September 2012: Fall: The changing of the Seasons

Here it's October 1st and I am lying here writing my blog while my family is all snugly tucked in for the night. I am getting ready to crash myself because 4:30am comes way too fast. Septembers mileage wasn't great, but I ran a couple of races with Stella.

The Hidden Treasures Half Marathon and 5K was a fun race and it was the first race Stella ran in where she had a timing chip. She was excited. The weather was sunny and warm. Beautiful views and clear sky's lead to very warm running. At about the 2nd mile Stella was asking about water and I knew there was a water station (as there has been the past 2 years and promised this year) somewhere nearby. The miles came and went and there weren't any water stations for us. Stella was mad at me because I told her water was coming up soon. I didn't realize that soon was at the finish line. My little girl was so mad she proceeded to stomp, shuffle her feet, and walk a lot. I knew she was being a stinker. We passed a news guy who was filming us and he took notice of Stella running and yelled out to her,"how old are you hon?" I told her it was ok to tell him and she yelled back that she was seven.

The finish line was approaching fast as we rounded the parking lot of the Civic Center. The finish line awaited us inside with our eagerly anticipating family. With about 1/4 mile left I grabbed her hand and said let's finish this running. We began to run and she says," I was just kidding" and she starts to sprint to the finish line. Needless to say I think it's important not to brag about winning and all that good parental advice, but I'll be darned if I was going to let her beat me after being a stinker. I sprinted around her and luckily the finish photo was the first time I actually didn't have a stupid look on my face. She looked cute as ever though. We pulled off a 40 minute 27 sec run. I knew she was much more capable. She apologized and told me she was mad at me cause I told her there would be water. I will never make that mistake again.

Two weeks later my wife ends up in the hospital. I end up in complete survival mode with no time to run and scrambling to care for my children and find help. Thankfully I have awesome friends who helped take care of all of us. We made it through in one piece. Stella and I ran a race while my wife was still in the hospital and she was sorely missed. It was the Layton's Chance Vineyard Dash 5K. There was a wine slushy with my name on it at the finish and a harvest festival for the family. My friends Anne, Charity, and Neese were there to help take care of my little man and Georgia and enjoy in the festivities themselves. Stella and I ran the course through rows and rows of grapes, passed combines, barns, and fields of vegetables. It was very windy. It started at our backs and I knew that meant we'd be heading into it in the end. Well Stella promised her mommy that she would do her best and boy did she ever. She has a PR from that day as follows:

32:37.80 minutes. She was 32nd place in 112 runners and first in age group. She rocked. I also managed to take a 2nd place in my age group. I was happy.

That has basically been all of my September running. My family life has been a wreck. My wife lost it and had
an emotional crash. Major depression set in due to lack of grieving. It basically boiled over and she couldn't hide it any more. I on the other hand have become good at burying my emotional crap. It's festers from time to time but I try to bottle it up. I grew up with tragedy in my family and always seem to have the cloud of doom hanging over head. I try to be optimistic, but my history dictates that I expect the worse and only better can happen if at all.

I found my older sister passed away from a suicide when I was 5 and that has never gone away. Now the loss
of my one of my sons just adds to that tragedy. It's something you never get over, but you learn to cope with and survive. There are really weak moments in my life where I feel like I'm alone and everything is falling down around me. I get the sinking feeling and try to get air, but can't. Then I try to move ahead and try not to look back.

I just want the best for my family and to be able to protect them. I feel as though I failed my son. I know I didn't but its a feeling I can't get rid of. My job as a daddy is to protect my kids, but instead I had to hold him as his life slipped away in my arms. I watched how fragile is and how quickly it can be taken away. I try to drown out these images of him. The sounds of him trying to breathe as the medical doctors used breathing apparatuses on him and sustained his life long enough for us to say good by. And yet I see my wife struggling with the grief process and I try to keep it together for her.

I have seen and heard from many people the few statements I don't believe are meant to be rude, but until you experience first hand what we have, it's not a fair statement. It comes
across as judgmental and rude comment. The almighty phrase,"be grateful for the children you do have ". That's almost insinuating I'm not grateful. It's very hurtful and in my eyes disrespectful. It angers me to no
end. I do love all of my children. All
4 of them. I can not and will not ever forget Cullen Steiner. He is my son. He is my family. I will forever grieve of the memories I will not be able to have with him and all of my children together.

I am going to stop for now. I need to calm down for some rest. Thank you for reading or looking at my blog.