September 2012: Fall: The changing of the Seasons

Here it's October 1st and I am lying here writing my blog while my family is all snugly tucked in for the night. I am getting ready to crash myself because 4:30am comes way too fast. Septembers mileage wasn't great, but I ran a couple of races with Stella.

The Hidden Treasures Half Marathon and 5K was a fun race and it was the first race Stella ran in where she had a timing chip. She was excited. The weather was sunny and warm. Beautiful views and clear sky's lead to very warm running. At about the 2nd mile Stella was asking about water and I knew there was a water station (as there has been the past 2 years and promised this year) somewhere nearby. The miles came and went and there weren't any water stations for us. Stella was mad at me because I told her water was coming up soon. I didn't realize that soon was at the finish line. My little girl was so mad she proceeded to stomp, shuffle her feet, and walk a lot. I knew she was being a stinker. We passed a news guy who was filming us and he took notice of Stella running and yelled out to her,"how old are you hon?" I told her it was ok to tell him and she yelled back that she was seven.

The finish line was approaching fast as we rounded the parking lot of the Civic Center. The finish line awaited us inside with our eagerly anticipating family. With about 1/4 mile left I grabbed her hand and said let's finish this running. We began to run and she says," I was just kidding" and she starts to sprint to the finish line. Needless to say I think it's important not to brag about winning and all that good parental advice, but I'll be darned if I was going to let her beat me after being a stinker. I sprinted around her and luckily the finish photo was the first time I actually didn't have a stupid look on my face. She looked cute as ever though. We pulled off a 40 minute 27 sec run. I knew she was much more capable. She apologized and told me she was mad at me cause I told her there would be water. I will never make that mistake again.

Two weeks later my wife ends up in the hospital. I end up in complete survival mode with no time to run and scrambling to care for my children and find help. Thankfully I have awesome friends who helped take care of all of us. We made it through in one piece. Stella and I ran a race while my wife was still in the hospital and she was sorely missed. It was the Layton's Chance Vineyard Dash 5K. There was a wine slushy with my name on it at the finish and a harvest festival for the family. My friends Anne, Charity, and Neese were there to help take care of my little man and Georgia and enjoy in the festivities themselves. Stella and I ran the course through rows and rows of grapes, passed combines, barns, and fields of vegetables. It was very windy. It started at our backs and I knew that meant we'd be heading into it in the end. Well Stella promised her mommy that she would do her best and boy did she ever. She has a PR from that day as follows:

32:37.80 minutes. She was 32nd place in 112 runners and first in age group. She rocked. I also managed to take a 2nd place in my age group. I was happy.

That has basically been all of my September running. My family life has been a wreck. My wife lost it and had
an emotional crash. Major depression set in due to lack of grieving. It basically boiled over and she couldn't hide it any more. I on the other hand have become good at burying my emotional crap. It's festers from time to time but I try to bottle it up. I grew up with tragedy in my family and always seem to have the cloud of doom hanging over head. I try to be optimistic, but my history dictates that I expect the worse and only better can happen if at all.

I found my older sister passed away from a suicide when I was 5 and that has never gone away. Now the loss
of my one of my sons just adds to that tragedy. It's something you never get over, but you learn to cope with and survive. There are really weak moments in my life where I feel like I'm alone and everything is falling down around me. I get the sinking feeling and try to get air, but can't. Then I try to move ahead and try not to look back.

I just want the best for my family and to be able to protect them. I feel as though I failed my son. I know I didn't but its a feeling I can't get rid of. My job as a daddy is to protect my kids, but instead I had to hold him as his life slipped away in my arms. I watched how fragile is and how quickly it can be taken away. I try to drown out these images of him. The sounds of him trying to breathe as the medical doctors used breathing apparatuses on him and sustained his life long enough for us to say good by. And yet I see my wife struggling with the grief process and I try to keep it together for her.

I have seen and heard from many people the few statements I don't believe are meant to be rude, but until you experience first hand what we have, it's not a fair statement. It comes
across as judgmental and rude comment. The almighty phrase,"be grateful for the children you do have ". That's almost insinuating I'm not grateful. It's very hurtful and in my eyes disrespectful. It angers me to no
end. I do love all of my children. All
4 of them. I can not and will not ever forget Cullen Steiner. He is my son. He is my family. I will forever grieve of the memories I will not be able to have with him and all of my children together.

I am going to stop for now. I need to calm down for some rest. Thank you for reading or looking at my blog.

August: The Dog Days of Summer!

I am sitting in bed at ten o'clock at night with Grady sleeping next to me and my wife next to him. The little man is growing up so fast. I enjoyed coming in from my run this morning to him sitting in his chair in the living room smiling at me.

I am putting in mileage but also trying to cross train. I started doing a free half marathon training program, but realized a few weeks in that the program was not correct. I got a book called, "Marathoning for Mortals" and the in-depth book details the do's and dont's of running and injury creators. The biggest rule was not to increase more than 10% per week time or mileage. I reached 5.53 miles at one point when I was to run for an hour. The next week said 1:15 mins which took me 6.55 miles. Both were over 10% increases. I decided to follow the books guidelines, but I will wait until after the 5K in September. Then I will set out to complete the half marathon training and run one next spring.

August is quickly coming to a close. This Saturday(8/18/12) Stella and I are running a 5K together. (UPDATE: The 5K on the 18th was cancelled to my daughters huge dismay.)  I am also signing us up for a Vineyard 5K in September where she'll get to stomp grapes afterwards with my 3 year old.

I have been enjoying the cooler mornings and since my daughters out of school I leave for work later, slightly, which allows me a little more sleep. A few more weeks until that ends. Not ready for super early 4:30 am runs yet. But I have to do what I have to do. One of the most difficult things I am dealing with is
Getting ready to move to a new home. Our rental home is falling apart and the landlord will not fix anything so we needed a new place. The home is smaller, but livable. The hardest part is where to run there? Here I have the city park which is essentially a 5K in diameter plus the different paths and trails and sights. I'll miss them being a daily part of my runs. But on the other hand I am going to be changing my routes a bit and seeing new places. It's nerve racking and exciting at the same time. Change is a stressor for good and bad. I am going to make the best of it. I will also miss being within 5 minutes of the YMCA. This will be my first time in the 15 years I've been in Salisbury that I have lived on the north end of town.

Well, it's September 3, and we're officially into our new home. This place looks like a bomb went off boxes everywhere. But we had our first non- fast food meal here. I am dealing with a messed up small toe on my left foot. I stubbed it on a baby gate and slit it open. Now I think its swollen a little bit but it's tender as heck. I have my 5K this upcoming weekend and haven't run in 4 days. Ugh. I'm hoping I'll be OK. I'm mentally and physically drained from the move. I'm not expecting a PR, however one would be nice. I'm still excited about running with my daughter.

My monthly mileage report is as follows:

Miles: 55.96

Time: 10.81 hours

Calories: 11,649

Running with Cullen: June/ July 2012

It's not been very long since I last wrote, but I wanted to update everyone on the fact I'm running again. I started a week ago and have logged over 6 miles in this time frame. It's a fresh start to get back to the old me. I am greatly enjoying my runs. I have been escorted by my 7 year old twice now. She isn't very fond of early morning running. Not so much the running but the 6:30am wakeup. She asked to go again today, but needless to say she grunted an indistinguishable tone that I'm positive was NO.

I took off in the jungle-like humidity of July where the sun was covered with a thick haze. There wasn't anyone else on the road when I left but I didn't feel alone. I know my baby boy Cullen is always with me. I promised him that we would be together again someday and that I would never forget him. Before their first birthday I got a tattoo as a memorial to my little angel, Cullen. As I run through the city streets and around the park and zoo I feel like I'm running with Cullen. I enjoy my time with him. I often think of him and remember his birthday very well. The details that flood my dreams and sometimes my life of the brief hours I had with him. My little man who was taken from me. Cullen I love you.

With that all said I have set my sights on a goal to run a half marathon. I have no idea when I will be able to do it but I am going to try my hardest to get there. My 5Ks are still important to me as I love running with Stella. She is extremely enthusiastic about 5Ks and she is a fast runner. She helps push me. She's going to do the Hidden Treasure 5K with me in September. It's exciting it will be her first chip timed race. She'll also be partaking in the after party as a runner not an on-looker.

Until next time.......thank you for reading.

Life, family, and the search for well being!

     Hello.  Here I am almost finished with May 2012.  Life's been throwing some monumental issues my way testing my adaptability.   I wish some of my knowledge came without  a test.  I had a great beginning of the month, weekly mileage gradually increasing to where I want to go.  My workouts have been consistent.   I even met a group of runners who run the same oh dark hundred hours I do and they asked me to join them.  I got to run with an old friend in Annapolis while I was there for training.   It was great.

     Then mid-month happened.  I wore out to the point of fatigue and crashed.  I was so wiped I slept through my alarm for several days and then apparently injured or severely agitated something in my left quad ;from the way I sit and hold my son.  I haven't run in a week at this point, but I decided after seeing a video on the best stretch for IT band I dd it and was feeling much better.  Today was the day I'd reboot.  About slightly over a mile away from home the pain in my left thigh and groin area began to throttle my performance.  Shortly after it began I was dealing with stabbing pains and had to resort to walking the rest of the way home.  Needless to say I am very disappointed and I'm afraid my mileage will slip away from me.  I don't want to go back where I started from.  I signed up for my 3rd Hidden Treasures 5K in September and the Color Run in D.C. in October.  I want my PR this year.  Where do I go from here?  I think I may need to see a physical therapist and take it from there.  I guess in my free time.  

     Family life has been crazy too.  We are quickly approaching the 1st birthday for our son Grady, but it's also the 1 year anniversary of the loss of his brother Cullen.  The mixed bag of emotions.  The being strong part, sort of.  The hardest part is trying to be a rock for my wife, when I was the complete mess last year.  She was my support and should have had me to lean on.  I was down and out.   There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Cullen.  How much I miss him and that the 5 hours were not long enough.  How life's not fair.

     Here I am at 10:00pm, on June 28th and I'm finally writing this blog.  I have not been able to run in a very long time.  Grady and Cullen's first birthday just passed last weekend.  The party was fun, and we ended with a balloon release for Cullen.  This day was the first time I've completely shut down.  I have been in a daze for the last week or so. I almost feel like I'm not here.   I miss my runs.  It was my outlet and I feel like it helped me deal with my sons death.  Now I am a walking disaster.  I am going to attempt to run tomorrow morning if I can muster the strength to get up.  It's a little difficult when you are up and down throughout the night.  if it's not one kid it's another.  it seems like there isn't a true peaceful night in my home.

     I am hoping to be able to run and not have my pain come back.  I never got into the doctor, but my chiropractor believes I did a slow tear of my quad muscle from the way I had been sitting and holding Grady for months. I seem to be doing better, but I can tell you one thing........bye bye my mileage.  See you in a couple of months. I am hoping to get back in shape for the Hidden Treasures 5K in September and the Color Run in D.C. in October.  I will get to run with my daughter again soon at the local shoe store 5K this fall too.  I am excited about that.  Well, I am hoping to be able to post an update in a few weeks with some mileage numbers listed.  Until then, thanks for reading and if you ever want to give me a shout out, go for it.  It's been awful lately when you feel like there are few who understand you, or that let you know they do anyhow.  I could use some motivation, fire away.  Thank you.  

April 2012

     Well, I am still at it.  This is the month I finally hit 4 miles in a single run since 2010.   I have also begun adding speed work (fartleks, etc) into my routines.  My monthly mileage dipped slightly due to a neck/shoulder injury.  Overall it still wasn't a bad month.

     Stella ran her first true 5K and came in 79th out of 148 people with a 31.30.0 time.  I unofficially ran the race with her.   Awesome for a short 7 year old little lady.  Even after the, "Daddy, baby ducks" and stopping and slowing down to kick pebbles into a dam, she did great.  I did manage to trip and fall flat on my face and skinning my knees within the first 2 minutes of the race.  Springing right back onto my feet never missing a beat, I ran on with Stella just hoping to retain some dignity.  Afterwards we were sitting at the awards ceremony and the lady sitting across from us asks me how my knees are doing.  She proceeds to tell my wife how I slide like in baseball head first and how lucky I was that it was mostly dirt because the gravel was a short distance away.  I felt like I was 3 inches tall.  

31.30.0

Finishing Strong!

     I am looking to increase my mileage over the next month and hoping to maybe run my first 10K.  We shall see.  Getting up by 4:15 to make sure I can get my run in before work is getting a little bit easier.  Now where is the easy button for the kids sleep habits?  I will be running with a friend of mine tomorrow in Annapolis.  I love running out here.  I am hoping to get 3-4 miles in weather permitting.  I wouldn't mind rain, except I don't want to buy new sneakers yet.  We shall see.  

     I have joined a running group on Facebook this month.  There are people of all ages, genders, sizes, and locations in the group and we have all come together for the love of running.  There has been so much support and "virtual" friendships being built.  I have even asked to visit a woman and her husband in New Zealand to go run with them.  She posted pictures of their running trails and I was instantly in love with the place.

Miles: 29.7

Time: 5.45 hours

Calories: 5,488

March 2012....On a roll.

      Well March has ended with a bang.  I ran two 5 K's one of them with my 7 year old daughter.  I am so proud of her.  I take her and my 3 year old running with me on Sundays.  I enjoy the time with them and we even get some exercise.   I call it jog/ walk/ stop/ look/ whine/ jog day.  It's worth it though.  I have been pretty consistent this month with my schedule until I hurt my neck pretty good.  But I picked it right back up.  How am I managing to run 4 days a week?  My oldest daughter ran a 1/2 mile fun run at the YMCA the day before Easter.   They also allowed her to do the 100 yard dash.  I did the 5K which she wanted to do so desperately, but I was concerned the distance would be tough if not too much for a 7 year old.  A week later I allowed her to do a 5K with me while I pushed my youngest daughter in a jogging stroller, which was a first time and holy moly is that hard.  I am so proud of her as she actually completed it and won a medal.  

     Week nights between 10-11 pm I'm climbing into bed hoping to make it to the sound of my iPhone jarring me awake to get moving at 4:40am. Then dealing with the occasional baby cry, or nightmare, or night terror (one of the worst ways to be woken up), to a baby cry again.  I blink and it's 4:40am and I am begrudingly dragging my tired butt from the warmth of my bed.  I'm dressed and outside stretching within 10 minutes.  The cool morning air wakes me up more than the ice cold water on my Garmin heart rate strap. I'm breathing easier and ready to go.  Then I'm off into he darkness running the lone streets in peace. Nothing to hear but my feet and breathing. The occasional chime on my watch notifying me of the time.  I run steadily the set distance or time I've designated on my schedule.  Then I'm home and rushing to get myself ready before the kids wake up.  Usually that happens not too long after I'm through the door.  

     I head to work with my cup of coffee or two then sit in my office being a little tired throughout the day.  I've been asked why am I tiring myself out by getting up so early?  Well, it's because I will be tired either way, this way I feel good about myself and I know I've accomplished something.  I am taking steps to further my health and increasing my time with my my family.     It's also my time.   

This month has ended with he following stats:

Miles: 41.12

Time: 7.4 hours
Calories burned: 7,314

Heart and Sole!

T-minus one hour and 40 minutes remaining. I have the pre-run jitters even though I'm not competing with anyone but myself. I just want to be able to run the whole 3.2 miles without stopping. That's a ton to ask for someone who has sporadically run within the last few weeks after months away from it. I'm running from my inner demons and past. I am running for my present and future. I'm running.

!

  I am very relieved I was capable of finishing with how much my routine is lacking. I am going to do this.  It was a tough run, but I enjoyed it.   Running is very therapeutic and it amazing.  Complete and total strangers cheer you on from the beginning until the end.  At the conclusion the field of runners, walkers, and spectators coagulate around and enjoy each others company.  This is a typical fun run.  I'm sure competitive races are slightly different.



UPDATE 02-12-12:
It's been 1 week since I ran the Heart and Sole 5K.  I am very proud and ecstatic to report I have run a total of 10.32 miles this week.   I believe I am on my way to a routine again, and looking for the next organized event.  

2012.....A New Beginning.

     Well... It's January 1st 2012. I am out of shape, tired, and depressed. I am trying to get back to running. I ran for the first time the other day since October.

     Ever since June 25th 2011, my life has been turned upside down and shredded apart. Losing my son Cullen was horrific. At the same time I was supposed to be rejoicing Grady. The conflicting emotions and trying to make everything look ok to a 6 year old and 2 year old just stacked on top of this mountainous pressure. The stress and sadness has caused me to lose myself. It has been improper eating and lack of sleep for months that has added back poundage to my waist line and subtracted from my life.

     I am turning over a new leaf. I am starting fresh. I have to get myself back. I will conquer this. I will prevail. I will win for my wife, kids, and self preservation. I love my wife and children with all my heart and hurting myself also hurts them. If you see me slacking or losing self control yank my leash hard.

     Thank you for your support and prayers over these last few months. We needed them.