The Amusement Park of Life!

                                                              My life (Photo Courtesy of Jennifer Seay Photography)

     It's been a few months since I last wrote. Life has been crazy with family and work.  My life has been a complete roller coaster of emotions, except I feel like I can't get off.  There is always a new climb to the top and then a steep drop to the bottom to start climbing again.  I have been fairly consistent with my running and exercise, but sleep has been far and few between.  Almost every night I am awaken by a child, or shoulder pain, or some sort of sleeplessness.  I know that soon enough they will be little grown ups and I will look back and miss these days.

     The Boston Marathon, the Superbowl for runners, came again this year.  There were tons of apps, websites, and television shows dedicated to giving up to the minute updates on the race.  I was crazy busy at work so I didn't get to check on anything.  Before I left the next shift arrived at work and told me about an explosion at the Boston Marathon.  She had heard it was a gas line explosion, but I guess working in my field I was very skeptical of that report.  By the time I got home the news had been plastered with information saying it was confirmed two bombs had gone off at the marathon and 3 people were dead and over a hundred injured.  Who the hell bombs a running event?  An event full of people who cheer for everyone.  There is no race, religion, gender, or age differences.  We are all runners.  We cheer for complete strangers and help them push themselves to the finish line.  We are family, bound together  by the ties of running.  We all know what running is, and the feelings invoked by  it.  We know the extreme challenges required to just get to toe the the line in Boston.  And to see such a tragic thing happen is heartbreaking and sickening.  I am still in shock about the whole thing and I'm waiting to be woken up and told it was a bad dream.  Now when I run I reflect about this who were injured and killed in Boston.  Some evil that took away their lives and permanently scarred Boston.  But runners survive.  We find a way.  From the elite group to the casual joggers, we sink ourselves into the physical and spiritual side of life through running.  We will survive.

The Track Star

     My little track start, Stella, did her Race for Education at her school and for the 3rd year in the row she outran all of the other girls in her grade (and from what I understand the boys too) and took first place. This was friday April 19th.  On April 20th, we ran the Salisbury Zoo Stampede 5K.  I was concerned because of how much she ran at her school  Friday about her legs.  She did great.  We clicked off a 32:12 and she managed to pull a 2nd place in the girls 12 and under group at 8 years old.  She wasn't much behind the girl who had first.  I was amazed about her pace.  The start was a mess because the group was merging together into the small opening for the zoo we ran through so there was quite a bit of walking to get started.  Then once inside the zoo she was more interested in checking out the flamingos that had gathered at the fence to yell at runners and the llamas.  I had to explain to her that when you run in a race you can pass people and don't have to stay in line behind them.  There were different rules for running in races.  We almost stopped at the baby goslings but I urged her on with the promise to return later.  I had so much fun running with her.  I miss the old days when we lived in a neighborhood with sidewalks where I felt safe for her to run with me.  Now my runs are in the crazy early hours and on streets I don't feel safe bringing her on.  The best feeling is when I heard her name called for 2nd place and the pride and joy was so overwhelming.  And then the thoughts of Boston arise again.  How safe is it for me to bring her to an event?  My conflicted self just trying to get over Boston and not let that deprive my child of her natural talent.  The talent that her innocence keeps her from realizing.  The light in her eyes and beauty in her soul helped me get over the ugly feelings of Boston.    I have to hold onto that to move on.

In memory of Boston

The Zoo Stampede 5K

So proud

March of Dimes walk- 5.43 miles.

     On April 21st, we walked the March of Dimes walk for babies.  We did 5.43 miles in honor of my son, Grady, and in memory of his twin brother, Cullen.  The March of Dimes has been very supportive of my family and me since the boys were born.  We are trying to raise $2000 this year, a higher goal than last year. I will attach a link to my teams site for donations, please help us to help them.  We will keep walking to support them.  Even a dollar helps.

Here is the link:

http://www.marchforbabies.org/Jveals2002

Miles- 79.3
Time- 15.02 hours
Calories- 16,487

February 2013: The Journey

I have been very busy the last few months, but I'm getting my running in. We have had sick kids, snow, and training for work, but I am usually up by 4:30 and out the door within minutes. I have reached the 4 mile mark. I'm trying to take my time increasing mileage so I don't hurt myself.

I ran my second Heart and Sole 5K last weekend and had a blast. I manage to hit a 30:39 time with an average pace of 9:38 minute mile. per Garmin anyhow. I forgot to hit my stop button right away so I know I was slightly faster. The next few days afterwards I felt it. The ache was in my back, hamstrings, quads, and shoulders. I physically pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and I liked it. I had a blast there and met some great people.  Last years heart and Sole I netted a 31:53.  I managed to shave a minute plus off.  Yea me!

I am going to keep pursuing my goal of getting myself into a healthy place. It is amazing how much life tries to knock you down. We just have to get back up, brush off the dirt, and keep trucking. The obstacles we face are just that, obstacles. they aren't meant to stop us, rather to make us figure out a way to get over them. They slow us down, but we keep moving.

Heart and Sole 2013

I write this blog to empty some of my mind, heart, and soul so people can understand why I'm the way I am. I also hope to let people know it's okay to feel down, we just have to keep our heads up and push forward. I came from a point where I could run, but didn't and if I had to run I hated. I took advantage of an ability that so many don't have.  After my accident medical doctors didn't know if I would be able to run ever again. Now I get upset if I can't get a run in for the day. Anything is possible. We can't let someone tell us we can't do anything and we shouldn't limit ourselves on someone else's say so.

Heart and Sole 2012

I am excited to say that today, 2/16/13 I ran 4.61 miles.  This is my longest run this year and I haven't seen this distance in quite some time.



Here are my stats for the last 30 days:

Miles: 35.68 miles

Time: 7.5 hours

Calories: 6,240

2013: New Beginnings

     January 2013: a new year, a new me. I'm making some changes in my life. It's time to take care of me. I need to be healthier, happier, and myself. I've come to realize that having grown up with so  much tragedy in my life that  I've built a prison around myself. I've locked myself in and even though i can see out, i can't get out. I've become a professional griever. Life has thrown so many obstacles at me that I've become desensitized to tragedy.

     I spent 7 years as a police officer, a career I loved. I wanted to do good and make a difference in my community. I know, that's an answer a lot of people regurgitate about wanting to help people. I am by my very nature very altruistic. During my careers in law enforcement and now the judicial system I have been thrust into the pits of evil, sadness, and despair. I can't but help be dragged down into it. Then I come home to my family.  The light at the end of my tunnel each day.  I talk to them and appear happy for a few moments then my angry side starts to show. The fatigue wears away at my persona and my family suffers. I don't want that.  They don't deserve an angry me.  I've taking a big step to change me.

     I am getting back to basics. I'm running 3-4 days a week and trying to watch what I'm eating. I've lost weight, and am trying to keep up with my responsibilities at home. But I don't know where to begin to learn how to deal with my internal issues. I want to be the best man, husband, and father I can be. My goals are consistency in my running, healthier eating, and unwinding. I must remember to breathe. I have to remember myself.  a little over a year ago I was celebrating the fact that I had lost over a hundred pounds.  I want to be back there and being comfortable with myself.  I need to lose about 50 more pounds to get there.  I's going to be a tough road, but I know I'm capable of doing it.  New me, here I come.  Back to the beginning and back to basics.  2013 is a new year and I'm GOING to be a new me.  Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

The old me

Me feeling my best

Trying to get back

     Here's to a happier, healthier, and new New Year. Welcome 2013!

September 2012: Fall: The changing of the Seasons

Here it's October 1st and I am lying here writing my blog while my family is all snugly tucked in for the night. I am getting ready to crash myself because 4:30am comes way too fast. Septembers mileage wasn't great, but I ran a couple of races with Stella.

The Hidden Treasures Half Marathon and 5K was a fun race and it was the first race Stella ran in where she had a timing chip. She was excited. The weather was sunny and warm. Beautiful views and clear sky's lead to very warm running. At about the 2nd mile Stella was asking about water and I knew there was a water station (as there has been the past 2 years and promised this year) somewhere nearby. The miles came and went and there weren't any water stations for us. Stella was mad at me because I told her water was coming up soon. I didn't realize that soon was at the finish line. My little girl was so mad she proceeded to stomp, shuffle her feet, and walk a lot. I knew she was being a stinker. We passed a news guy who was filming us and he took notice of Stella running and yelled out to her,"how old are you hon?" I told her it was ok to tell him and she yelled back that she was seven.

The finish line was approaching fast as we rounded the parking lot of the Civic Center. The finish line awaited us inside with our eagerly anticipating family. With about 1/4 mile left I grabbed her hand and said let's finish this running. We began to run and she says," I was just kidding" and she starts to sprint to the finish line. Needless to say I think it's important not to brag about winning and all that good parental advice, but I'll be darned if I was going to let her beat me after being a stinker. I sprinted around her and luckily the finish photo was the first time I actually didn't have a stupid look on my face. She looked cute as ever though. We pulled off a 40 minute 27 sec run. I knew she was much more capable. She apologized and told me she was mad at me cause I told her there would be water. I will never make that mistake again.

Two weeks later my wife ends up in the hospital. I end up in complete survival mode with no time to run and scrambling to care for my children and find help. Thankfully I have awesome friends who helped take care of all of us. We made it through in one piece. Stella and I ran a race while my wife was still in the hospital and she was sorely missed. It was the Layton's Chance Vineyard Dash 5K. There was a wine slushy with my name on it at the finish and a harvest festival for the family. My friends Anne, Charity, and Neese were there to help take care of my little man and Georgia and enjoy in the festivities themselves. Stella and I ran the course through rows and rows of grapes, passed combines, barns, and fields of vegetables. It was very windy. It started at our backs and I knew that meant we'd be heading into it in the end. Well Stella promised her mommy that she would do her best and boy did she ever. She has a PR from that day as follows:

32:37.80 minutes. She was 32nd place in 112 runners and first in age group. She rocked. I also managed to take a 2nd place in my age group. I was happy.

That has basically been all of my September running. My family life has been a wreck. My wife lost it and had
an emotional crash. Major depression set in due to lack of grieving. It basically boiled over and she couldn't hide it any more. I on the other hand have become good at burying my emotional crap. It's festers from time to time but I try to bottle it up. I grew up with tragedy in my family and always seem to have the cloud of doom hanging over head. I try to be optimistic, but my history dictates that I expect the worse and only better can happen if at all.

I found my older sister passed away from a suicide when I was 5 and that has never gone away. Now the loss
of my one of my sons just adds to that tragedy. It's something you never get over, but you learn to cope with and survive. There are really weak moments in my life where I feel like I'm alone and everything is falling down around me. I get the sinking feeling and try to get air, but can't. Then I try to move ahead and try not to look back.

I just want the best for my family and to be able to protect them. I feel as though I failed my son. I know I didn't but its a feeling I can't get rid of. My job as a daddy is to protect my kids, but instead I had to hold him as his life slipped away in my arms. I watched how fragile is and how quickly it can be taken away. I try to drown out these images of him. The sounds of him trying to breathe as the medical doctors used breathing apparatuses on him and sustained his life long enough for us to say good by. And yet I see my wife struggling with the grief process and I try to keep it together for her.

I have seen and heard from many people the few statements I don't believe are meant to be rude, but until you experience first hand what we have, it's not a fair statement. It comes
across as judgmental and rude comment. The almighty phrase,"be grateful for the children you do have ". That's almost insinuating I'm not grateful. It's very hurtful and in my eyes disrespectful. It angers me to no
end. I do love all of my children. All
4 of them. I can not and will not ever forget Cullen Steiner. He is my son. He is my family. I will forever grieve of the memories I will not be able to have with him and all of my children together.

I am going to stop for now. I need to calm down for some rest. Thank you for reading or looking at my blog.

August: The Dog Days of Summer!

I am sitting in bed at ten o'clock at night with Grady sleeping next to me and my wife next to him. The little man is growing up so fast. I enjoyed coming in from my run this morning to him sitting in his chair in the living room smiling at me.

I am putting in mileage but also trying to cross train. I started doing a free half marathon training program, but realized a few weeks in that the program was not correct. I got a book called, "Marathoning for Mortals" and the in-depth book details the do's and dont's of running and injury creators. The biggest rule was not to increase more than 10% per week time or mileage. I reached 5.53 miles at one point when I was to run for an hour. The next week said 1:15 mins which took me 6.55 miles. Both were over 10% increases. I decided to follow the books guidelines, but I will wait until after the 5K in September. Then I will set out to complete the half marathon training and run one next spring.

August is quickly coming to a close. This Saturday(8/18/12) Stella and I are running a 5K together. (UPDATE: The 5K on the 18th was cancelled to my daughters huge dismay.)  I am also signing us up for a Vineyard 5K in September where she'll get to stomp grapes afterwards with my 3 year old.

I have been enjoying the cooler mornings and since my daughters out of school I leave for work later, slightly, which allows me a little more sleep. A few more weeks until that ends. Not ready for super early 4:30 am runs yet. But I have to do what I have to do. One of the most difficult things I am dealing with is
Getting ready to move to a new home. Our rental home is falling apart and the landlord will not fix anything so we needed a new place. The home is smaller, but livable. The hardest part is where to run there? Here I have the city park which is essentially a 5K in diameter plus the different paths and trails and sights. I'll miss them being a daily part of my runs. But on the other hand I am going to be changing my routes a bit and seeing new places. It's nerve racking and exciting at the same time. Change is a stressor for good and bad. I am going to make the best of it. I will also miss being within 5 minutes of the YMCA. This will be my first time in the 15 years I've been in Salisbury that I have lived on the north end of town.

Well, it's September 3, and we're officially into our new home. This place looks like a bomb went off boxes everywhere. But we had our first non- fast food meal here. I am dealing with a messed up small toe on my left foot. I stubbed it on a baby gate and slit it open. Now I think its swollen a little bit but it's tender as heck. I have my 5K this upcoming weekend and haven't run in 4 days. Ugh. I'm hoping I'll be OK. I'm mentally and physically drained from the move. I'm not expecting a PR, however one would be nice. I'm still excited about running with my daughter.

My monthly mileage report is as follows:

Miles: 55.96

Time: 10.81 hours

Calories: 11,649

Running with Cullen: June/ July 2012

It's not been very long since I last wrote, but I wanted to update everyone on the fact I'm running again. I started a week ago and have logged over 6 miles in this time frame. It's a fresh start to get back to the old me. I am greatly enjoying my runs. I have been escorted by my 7 year old twice now. She isn't very fond of early morning running. Not so much the running but the 6:30am wakeup. She asked to go again today, but needless to say she grunted an indistinguishable tone that I'm positive was NO.

I took off in the jungle-like humidity of July where the sun was covered with a thick haze. There wasn't anyone else on the road when I left but I didn't feel alone. I know my baby boy Cullen is always with me. I promised him that we would be together again someday and that I would never forget him. Before their first birthday I got a tattoo as a memorial to my little angel, Cullen. As I run through the city streets and around the park and zoo I feel like I'm running with Cullen. I enjoy my time with him. I often think of him and remember his birthday very well. The details that flood my dreams and sometimes my life of the brief hours I had with him. My little man who was taken from me. Cullen I love you.

With that all said I have set my sights on a goal to run a half marathon. I have no idea when I will be able to do it but I am going to try my hardest to get there. My 5Ks are still important to me as I love running with Stella. She is extremely enthusiastic about 5Ks and she is a fast runner. She helps push me. She's going to do the Hidden Treasure 5K with me in September. It's exciting it will be her first chip timed race. She'll also be partaking in the after party as a runner not an on-looker.

Until next time.......thank you for reading.

Life, family, and the search for well being!

     Hello.  Here I am almost finished with May 2012.  Life's been throwing some monumental issues my way testing my adaptability.   I wish some of my knowledge came without  a test.  I had a great beginning of the month, weekly mileage gradually increasing to where I want to go.  My workouts have been consistent.   I even met a group of runners who run the same oh dark hundred hours I do and they asked me to join them.  I got to run with an old friend in Annapolis while I was there for training.   It was great.

     Then mid-month happened.  I wore out to the point of fatigue and crashed.  I was so wiped I slept through my alarm for several days and then apparently injured or severely agitated something in my left quad ;from the way I sit and hold my son.  I haven't run in a week at this point, but I decided after seeing a video on the best stretch for IT band I dd it and was feeling much better.  Today was the day I'd reboot.  About slightly over a mile away from home the pain in my left thigh and groin area began to throttle my performance.  Shortly after it began I was dealing with stabbing pains and had to resort to walking the rest of the way home.  Needless to say I am very disappointed and I'm afraid my mileage will slip away from me.  I don't want to go back where I started from.  I signed up for my 3rd Hidden Treasures 5K in September and the Color Run in D.C. in October.  I want my PR this year.  Where do I go from here?  I think I may need to see a physical therapist and take it from there.  I guess in my free time.  

     Family life has been crazy too.  We are quickly approaching the 1st birthday for our son Grady, but it's also the 1 year anniversary of the loss of his brother Cullen.  The mixed bag of emotions.  The being strong part, sort of.  The hardest part is trying to be a rock for my wife, when I was the complete mess last year.  She was my support and should have had me to lean on.  I was down and out.   There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Cullen.  How much I miss him and that the 5 hours were not long enough.  How life's not fair.

     Here I am at 10:00pm, on June 28th and I'm finally writing this blog.  I have not been able to run in a very long time.  Grady and Cullen's first birthday just passed last weekend.  The party was fun, and we ended with a balloon release for Cullen.  This day was the first time I've completely shut down.  I have been in a daze for the last week or so. I almost feel like I'm not here.   I miss my runs.  It was my outlet and I feel like it helped me deal with my sons death.  Now I am a walking disaster.  I am going to attempt to run tomorrow morning if I can muster the strength to get up.  It's a little difficult when you are up and down throughout the night.  if it's not one kid it's another.  it seems like there isn't a true peaceful night in my home.

     I am hoping to be able to run and not have my pain come back.  I never got into the doctor, but my chiropractor believes I did a slow tear of my quad muscle from the way I had been sitting and holding Grady for months. I seem to be doing better, but I can tell you one thing........bye bye my mileage.  See you in a couple of months. I am hoping to get back in shape for the Hidden Treasures 5K in September and the Color Run in D.C. in October.  I will get to run with my daughter again soon at the local shoe store 5K this fall too.  I am excited about that.  Well, I am hoping to be able to post an update in a few weeks with some mileage numbers listed.  Until then, thanks for reading and if you ever want to give me a shout out, go for it.  It's been awful lately when you feel like there are few who understand you, or that let you know they do anyhow.  I could use some motivation, fire away.  Thank you.